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Lasraik

Funny Stuff

163 posts in this topic

On 3/9/2016 at 0:18 AM, Jag said:
35 minutes ago, Dunnar said:

Showed this to my wife and pointed out the driving skills. Her reaction,  why do woman need so many shoes? My reaction, see the needs vs wants section.

female-brain.jpg

 

We've had this before and it's usally followed by this, just to show that we're all bastards, but fair bastards.

 

malebrain.gif

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4 hours ago, JesGolbez said:

I'm so thankful my wife's brain is wired so differently. I think I have more shoes than she does :)

My wife is not dissimilar. I sometimes have to convince her that she needs to go shopping for clothes etc. Although she does buy herself a pair of boots or shoes usually once per year.

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1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying….. let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.


2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.


3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.


4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.


5. I don't like making plans for the day….. because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.


7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.


8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?


9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

 

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On his way to the Masters in Georgia, Tiger Woods – who is sitting it out this year through injury – drives his Mercedes-Benz into a petrol station in south Alabama, just on the edge of a picturesque rural village.

The attendant at the pump greets him nonchalantly, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"How y'all doin'?' says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick, cursory "Hiya" and as he bends to wipe a fleck of guff from his white golfing shoes, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket.

"What are they, son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"Well, what are they for?" inquires the Alabama man.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.

"Well, I'll be Goddamned," says this son of the Deep South,. "Those good ole boys at Mercedes think of everything!"

 

 

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Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

 

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http://www.breitbart.com/big-government/2016/04/11/florida-woman-arrested-offering-undercover-cop-sex-3/

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A Florida woman was arrested after approaching an undercover cop and offering to perform a sex act on him for a mere three dollars, court records reveal.

http://www.cnn.com/2016/04/18/world/boaty-mcboatface-wins-vote/index.html

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Landslide win for 'Boaty McBoatface' in $300M research ship naming poll

 

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http://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/community/florida-keys/article83320742.html

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In this bar fight at one of Key West's most famous watering holes, it wasn't a spilled drink or sleazy advance on someone's wife that led to blows.

According to the police report, a fight broke out between two couples this week when someone, who Friday remained unidentified, allegedly broke wind inside Sloppy Joe's, 201 Duval St.

"The argument was due to someone farting," police were told by a man who went to the hospital for a dislocated shoulder after the scrap.

 

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